Communications Toxins
Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity
Nat Turner
I have several clients that are working on their communication skills with me - how they talk, how they listen, fow they offer and receive feedback. Some of them have in focus an improvement of their relations, some of them have focus on building a stronger personal branding as a speaker and they want to make sure that their message reaches the audience. During this article I will invite you from time to time to observe your habits in the relationship that matters to you.
When in the way you communicate there is a space of unclarity - building on assumptions can be a a dangerous ground for any relation. So in order to make sure that conversations, relationships and communication are healthy you need to confirm on both parties assumptions. This is a good exercise to do in order to validate what you understood, but also what the other person meant to transmit. Talking about communicating expectations, huh? :)
Marcia Reynolds one of the biggest global coaches and author of the book ”Coach the person, not the problem” (you can read my review on the book here) brings under the microscope 4 words that can change relations: ”what do you mean?”. This can be such a powerful question in a coaching conversation - because it can bring clarity in the speaker’s mind but also in the conversation. Now think about your chats with parents, life partners or maybe colleagues - how many times you made sure you asked a clarification in a fight or a conversation and how many time you thought for yourself ”ah he/she/they meant that - I know how they think” and based your actions on an assumption?
If you want to build or improve a relation here are some things that you can do:
loose the generalisations and the superficial questions and encourage this in others. Replace the ”OK”” or ”Fine!” with telling them details about how was your day or what emotional need you have at that moment. The easiest way to take a conversation to the next level build on ”How are you?” or ”How have you been doing?” with ”Can you tell me more” or ”I am curious to know more details….”
defuse conflicts - when you flag the way someone talks to you or you feel that the words in a conversation come to you as a criticism - it is very easy to become reactive - and this might change your emotional state, but also it changes the way you respond (choice of words, tone of voice, volume and rhythm). If you feel the words as a personal attack ask for clarifications: ”would help me understand what you are trying to tell me”, ”can you give me more details” or ”what do you mean?”. In a conflict is difficult to rewire our brain from looking for threats (that kept us alive as a species) towards a zone of curiosity. The way you approach conflict can make a great difference between dark and light. To go deeper into this conversation here is a brilliant article written by Michael Bungay Stanier here.
Build on the 2% rule when you don’t agree with the person in front of you (more about it in the Positive Intelligence Book written by Shirzad Chamine. Look for that 2% in the conversation that you agree with and build on them. ”What I like about your idea is ….bring the 2% into the sentence….and that makes me think of….bring your point of view”. It is about a change in the mindset to go to action rather than reaction.
Becoming aware of the communication toxins - how you, I and everyone applies in conversations.
And now we get to the subject of our article :)! John Gottman is a scientist that conducted in 1992 a study of couples in which he was able to predict divorce with an accuracy of 93.6%. Now he is still doing research on the factors that play the biggest roles in leading a couple to divorce. He named the communication toxins the 4 horseman of Apocalypse. To be able to identify them in the difficult conversations it is a first step into eliminating them and replacing them with healthy models of communication, productive and efficient for your relationships.
The 4th Horseman are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling. Bellow you have a short movie from the Gottman Institute where they present them with examples :) Enjoy!
Photo source: Volodymyr Hryshchenko
