Book review: I’m OK - You’re OK in healthy reality

“Awareness requires living in the here and now, and not in the elsewhere, the past or the future.”

― Eric Berne, Games People Play

In 1967 psychiatrist Thomas Anthony Harris wrote a great book called “I’m OK - You’re OK”. You might call it a self-help read or a practical guide into how transactional analysis can be brought into your relationships in order to solve communication problems. During my PCC recordings regarding the feedback my assessors told me I had a ”I’m ok - You’re OK” attitude. And this book meant a lot to me when I read it during Business Coaching Diploma at the recommendation of one of the tutors.

It is amazing to see how the model is used now even after all these years have past over it. Addressing the Parent - Child - Adult the model has 4 stages and in the book you will get a lot of practical examples that will help you understand the communication you have in your relationships. A part that I loved so much is the area where Harris decodes the language and verbal clues that can support your analysis.

To have a healthy, open communication takes place when the people involved step out of the Parent - Child - Adult triangle - very similar with the Drama Triangle (Prosecutor, Rescuer or Victim). We all are at one point in one of the states - the difference comes from becoming aware where you are and what your triggers are - while choosing to step away and go into a state where you support open communication, while listening to the other person from a I’m OK - You’re OK perspective.

I’m OK - You’re OK - is the healthy position, no competition between the participants, comfortable with yourself and others - this is where open communication happens

I’m OK - You’re not OK - this is an angry, aggressive state, feeling superior over others with a tendency to criticize other to the bone - this is where someone is never happy

I’m not OK - You’re OK - this area triggers the Child state (we see our parent as huge, powerful) and it is a passive state in which one gets quiet, feels inferior and wants to leave the conversation

I’m not OK - You’re not OK - this is a helpless position where you tend to feel that nothing can be solved, and it is a state where nothing and no-one can reach a conclusion/solution

To build on what Harris wrote in his book, you can also read Eric Berne with Games People Play a best seller from 1964 that offers you a great descriptions on both functional and dysfunctional social interactions. This is also a book about transactional analysis where you can learn more on the ego states of the Parent, the Adult, and the Child - mentioned in the ”I’m OK - You’re OK” book. I love the part where he talks about the negative behaviors that come from switching between the roles or confusing them without being aware we are doing it. Berne has a dark sense of humor that I adore and you will find his book full of information what will offer you a mirror to a lot of your relationships and it will offer you a way to understand reactions, rituals, adult tantrums or hard to understand life games from different areas like social, sexual, office or relations.

Both books offer a great read that will show you an entrance to the transactional analysis, while offering you practical examples in how you can apply their knowledge in building stronger and healthier relations. Looking forward to know your opinion if you read them.

This article was inspired by a workshop facilitated by one of my Mentors Cristina Schmidt on anger management where she presented this model. So since I have not made a book review figured that it was a sign to treat you with a morning article about this topic :) and here it is. Also you can download the model from here and use it in self coaching.